What Intuitive Living Looks Like (For Me)

Hello, my beloved cauliflower florets! Long time, no talk. Life over the last week or so has been incredibly chaotic but I’m finally A) done with Fall Term, B) done with work for the holidays and C) in California getting my tan on. After working almost 7 days straight, finishing final papers and assignments, and catching a 6 AM flight to San Diego… I’m exhausted. While I was juggling all the work, assignments, and packing, I was trying my best to stay on top of the important things in my life, too: getting outside and moving my body, talking and seeing friends, and trying to maintain balance mentally and physically.

Let’s just say after getting no sleep and crying some ugly tears in a Target, I was slacking on the mental-physical balance part of life. I get that life isn’t always gumdrops and sunshine, but I could definitely do without a single ounce of stress for a while if I can at all help it. I don’t want to sound like I’m above stress or anxiety or overall mental unwellness because I’m definitely not. I also don’t want people reading this blog to assume I only talk about the good stuff in my life either.

I’m pretty honest in my writing and I take pride in that. I want to use my platform to help people become more comfortable with the bad stuff and more appreciative of the good and I think one of the greatest tools I’ve found has been Intuitive Eating. Hang on for a second, it’s not just the eating that I’m talking about here.

If you’ve never heard of it, Intuitive Eating is an approach to eating and how we live our lives surrounded by a fatphobic diet culture that assumes being a certain size will bring you all the happiness in the world. I’m a little biased in regards to the theory of Intuitive Eating as it’s been especially valuable in my eating disorder recovery. That being said, I get a lot of my readers aren’t necessarily in the same boat as me. But in summation, Intuitive Eating gives you the permission to act on your own volition and listen to your body and your cravings, whether physical or emotional, so you don’t inevitably restrict yourself from food or activities or things you enjoy.

For me, it’s taken a long time to find what I actually enjoy again (and I’m still working on it); I used to love bagels… Like, would die for a mini bagel with peanut butter and banana… I still do, frankly. But for so long, the thought of eating a bagel killed me; it had X amount of calories, it was full of X amount of carbs, one bagel was equivalent to X amount slices of bread. I was exhausted thinking about bagels, so I told myself I didn’t like them anymore. Now, as I’m working through my problems, I try not to compare or analyze my food in any way other than “Is this going to make me feel good?”. This morning, in fact, I was at the airport walking around trying to find something to munch on before we took off and I saw Kenny and Zuke’s had a bagel for a buck fifty. My brain went “GET THAT BAGEL” and, you guessed it, I did.

I was hungry, a bagel sounded good, and that was that. It’s taken a lot of time and work to be that mindless about my food choices, but Intuitive Eating also helped me feel more connected with what social interactions I need or what kind of mood I’m actually in. I’ll be going into my recovery story as a result of intuittive eating in deeper, more food focused post in the future, but for now, I think it makes more sense to describe the things I’ve learned and changed in my life that don’t revolve around bagels vs. celery.

I fell into the trap of blaming my sour mood on my depression and ED, when, in reality, I was just being kind of an asshole. I didn’t have the words to describe why I was feeling as terrible as I did so I lashed out and pissed off a handful of people who probably deserve an apology. I wasn’t in tune with why I felt as I did, the intrinsic side of things, just that I was happy or sad or in a bad mood based on extrinsic factors. My poor attitude led to me pushing people away and isolating myself solely based on the fact that I didn’t want to “deal” with people, when in fact, I just didn’t want to get up and put pants on when I could stay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls for the 12th time. Intuitive Eating was the easy part, but Intuitive Living… that was a bit trickier.

I never intentionally wanted to isolate myself or come across as a sourpuss, but as a result of being exhausted from a billion other things in life, it was understandable how staying in and being lazy felt good. For me, living intuitively means instead of me sitting around feeling sorry for myself in bed all day, I’ll push myself to do something productive for a little bit and treat myself to some Lorelei and Rory Time when I’m done. It’s the baby steps method I used when integrating new foods during recovery, just a little less tangible if that makes sense. I gave myself time to relax and unwind but I also didn’t use that time as a way to procrastinate over the things I actually need to do.

I also recognize there’s balance in life; some days I jump out of bed ready to take on the world and all it’s challenges and other days I stay under the covers til noon and barely get myself showered and dressed. Just life how Intutive Eating encourages people to choose what makes them feel good physically, mentally, and emotionally, it also enourages people to be more aware of what they’re doing in their lives that make them feel good or not.

So do something that makes you feel good today, whatever that may be. Don’t force yourself into situations just to impress someone; don’t do something half assed today if you can wait a bit and do it with energy and excitement tomorrow. Take a second to take into account your own feelings and physical capabilities at the time. Life moves pretty fast, it’s best to slow down and enjoy it while you can.

Fight The Fear

FINALS…. ARE FINALLY OVER! I made it through with little to no physical or mental damage and honestly, I’ve not been this not stressed since before middle school. Maybe even kindergarten. I would like to say I’m exaggerating but really, I’m feeling pretty great right now!

After I finished my last final, I made plans to see all the Portland people I could before the holidays including lunch with one of my favorite women in the world at Maurice, a light and airy French cafe and restaurant. We noshed on quiche and a persimmon and black pepper cheesecake that KNOCKED my socks off. Really, who’d have thought that a more palatable tomato would be a great cheesecake topping?!

It really hit me that 6 to 12 months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to even contemplate the thought of eating cheesecake let alone after quiche. Over the last year, I had gotten used to forgoing all of my favorite foods especially around the holidays, which, more often than not, included also avoiding situations where food was the main focus. This year, thankfully, things are much different.

Despite being scared of the thought of relapsing, I’ve made a promise to myself to choose self-compassion over restricting and restraining. I get that it’s easier said than done. I refuse to let myself set expectations over how I’m going to look and feel when I get back from California and even after the holiday season is over. Instead of forcing myself into a skirt that doesn’t fit and breaking down over it (been there, done that, ain’t going back), I’m going to (GASP) be nice to myself and not let the fear of gaining X amount of pounds or not feeling comfy in a tight pair of jeans stop me from having an absolute ball during the next couple weeks.

The fear of relapse has definitely been a fear throughout the entirety of my relapse; sometimes relapsing feels easier than staying motivated and trusting my body and the process of recovery. I’m never going to say I wake up every morning feeling 100% “body positive” because there have been plenty of times where I can’t even face the mirror. Relapsing, unfortunately, is a huge reality those in recovery have to face, no matter, if it’s recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, etc., that fear of falling back into old habits is generally what scares you enough to keep going.

It’s scary as hell, but I’ve found that being scared of old habits won’t make getting away from them any easier. In my experience, that fear weighs you down more than the addiction or habit ever will. Failing is a normal part of life like rejection or taxes, but you can never let that discourage you from trying as best as you can; it takes a lot of courage to choose to recover, and sometimes that means failing to get to the other side of the finish line.

So with whatever struggles or challenges that may be on your radar right now (finals and work included), don’t let the fear of screwing up impede on your progress or recovery. Treat yourself to some self-compassion… and maybe some new shoes.

What can I say, it’s the holidays. Have an awesome rest of your week, and I’ll see you back here Friday for a little somethin-somethin new!

 

 

 

I Love This Stuff #2

Happy Monday (and happy Finals Week for a lot of us), my little chickpeas! I am officially done with Fall Term and ready to relax and take a minute to recuperate from the rollercoaster that was the last 4 months. SO much has changed since then, come back Wednesday for more on that!

In the meantime, I felt like it was time to talk about all the good stuff since my last I Love This Stuff was so long ago. I’ve got food, I’ve got drinks, I’ve got artists, and podcasts, and books, and a couple TV shows too. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas but with a few less birds. So here we go, things I’ve been loving over the last month:

This episode of The Chasing Joy Podcast about deviating from diet culture, intuitive eating during the holidays, and loneliness in different seasons of life. Georgie, like I’ve said, is such a huge inspiration for me; she’s so aware and empathetic and full of life, which are all things I always strive to focus on more often. Check out her blog, too! I can’t recommend her words more.

I’ve been loving cocoa powder in everything I consume. Chocolate oatmeal? Blueberry chocolate smoothies? Homemade hot chocolate drank while watching Gilmore Girls? Need I say more?

This book by Helen Russell. I’ve posted about it before, but Helen Russell’s real month to month account of being a British expat in the Jutland of Denmark is hilarious, full of wit and classic British banter, and one of the most beautiful, well-rounded non-fiction books I’ve read. If you’ve ever wanted to learn more about the happiest country in the world through the lens of a Londoner-turned-Jutland-Freelancer, buy the frickin book.

Trader Joe’s Holiday Everything. From gingerbread men to Christmas blend coffee, TJ’s is kicking some grocery ass these days with their selection of holiday goodies marketed, what seems, directly towards me and my fellow holiday obsessed foodies. I’m tempted to do a TJ’s haul next time I go because I always walk out with $30 worth of seasonal stuff on top of the usual groceries I grab. Perhaps a recipe is on the horizon…

This artist’s Instagram page. Marcella has such an amazing way with words and the way she portrays it through her sketches. She’s raw and funny and someone I would love to meet just to see where she gets all of her ideas from… A girl can dream. 

 

Getting up before noon. This is a slight exaggeration. I normally get up around 8 on a good day, which leads to plenty of time for a decent breakfast, some reading and writing, and/or a workout before 9-9:30. Lately, however, I’ve felt the need to get up a bit earlier to soak up some of the quiet and peace before the city fully kicks into gear. It’s not always realistic, but that extra 30 to 40 minutes in the morning really helps me feel a bit motivated despite whatever I may have going on throughout the day. Yoga has also been making an appearance more often because of all the extra time I have in the morning, and while I’m not a total convert yet, it doesn’t hurt to get my cobra pose on once in a while.

These 3 Portland places:

• Coffee Time on 21st: Great coffee, fast WiFi, awesome art for sale… What more could you want in a coffee shop? Despite being about a 30-minute walk from my place, it’s worth every second of commute to sit and knock out some work in this cozy shop.
• Fire on the Mountain on East Burnside: It had been close to a year since I had hit up FOTM and I hate myself for not getting back sooner. The ambiance is pumped up but not too obnoxious, the food is simple but so so good, and the selection of sauces are out of this world. If you want good wings, burgers, and FRIED OREOS… Hit this East Side gem up.
• Pine Street Market on 2nd: This is my go-to when no one (me) can make a decision in regards to dinner; there’s ramen, Salt and Straw, Korean barbeque, tapas, burgers, I could go on. Everything at PSM is consistently delicious and service is generally out of this world fast and easy. My goal in life is to get more people to join the Pine Street Market Cult.

And that’s all she wrote! I’m going to do a bit more writing and chug some Coffee Time coffee before I get this week kicked into gear. I (finally) get to go back to California next week and couldn’t be more ready for the poolside nachos and trips to Nordstrom Rack… It’s a simple life but it keeps me going. See you on Wednesday for another post!

 

I Ate Two Cookies… Now What?

During my recovery, I’ve been pretty blessed to have fallen into a good routine, food and exercise wise. In fact, it’s far from a routine, which is really why I’ve been so successful for the most part. With the havoc that school, work, and maintaining a somewhat decent social life has been bringing lately, I haven’t really had time to worry about relapse or relying on old behaviors and habits. I think a lot of it has to do with me focusing on intuitive eating rather than meal or exchange plans generally associated with eating disorder recovery. Since I’m weight restored, too, most of my eating revolves around what I’m craving when I’m craving it rather than physically needing to eat every X amount of hours to keep from falling ill or passing out. Intuitive eating is something I’m incredibly passionate about and will definitely be making a post about in the coming week once finals are over (thank God I’m only a few days away from freedom).

That being said, eating whatever I want when I want isn’t necessarily the easiest thing during recovery. I still really struggle with my hunger and fullness cues, meaning I can never truly tell when I need to eat and when I’m totally satisfied.

For example, I made cookies the other night and, despite not being entirely hungry, I had one before eating a “real” dinner. I was proud that I followed my cravings and didn’t punish myself for doing so, but it really made me question… Am I recovered? I ate two cookies… Now what?

I was emotionally satisfied but still felt somewhat uncomfortable with the thought of eating a cookie rather than a well-prepared dinner that satisfied my physical hunger. Recovery is a pretty individual thing, but I think for the most part feeling uncomfortable over a couple cookies isn’t what I would call a recovered mindset. It wasn’t the fact that I ate the cookies and worried about the ingredients or macros, it was the fact that the experience wasn’t up to par with my normal dinner situation. I ate them while mindlessly sitting on the couch watching TV.

While I sat and reflected on my sad dinner, the words of one of my favorite dieticians, Kylie Mitchell, popped into my head: “Not every meal has to be a gourmet experience.” It’s something so easy and unconscious for most who don’t experience an eating disorder or disordered eating, but when food is the central focus in your life, it’s hard to fall away from the obsession with the quality of the meals you consume once you allow yourself permission to actually eat again.

I think I’m making strides though; sometimes I’ll be so busy or otherwise distracted that I eat lunch with a book in one hand and a fork in the other. I have more important things in my life than obsessing over the miscellaneous foodstuffs I shove down my gullet 3-5 times a day.  In fact, once I finished the cookie, I had cheesy eggs and (GASP!) moved on with my life. I cleaned, I did some writing, I checked in with my Mom.

I realized that food is sometimes just food. It doesn’t have any moral significance, it doesn’t have the power to control and distract me anymorel; a salad is no more morally upstanding than cheesy eggs. Sometimes eating isn’t just about satisfying physical hunger, it’s about satisfying what your heart and soul need. I mean where do you think soul food came from?! Life would be so sad without cornbread and sweet potato pie, but because people use butter it suddenly becomes a sinful luxury only eaten during the holidays.

The above salad was just as satisfying and lovely as the egg and biscuit sandwich next to it. Both tasted great, made my stomach happy, and filled me up. In a perfect world, that should be the only criteria for good food.

This isn’t to say that I don’t have moments nearly every time I eat where I wonder if I’m making the right choice, but with help from the principles of intuitive eating and reading the right kind of content (cough Yeah… Immaeatthat cough The Real Life RD), I’ve slowly transitioned into being a bit more laissez-faire with my dining decisions because sometimes life gets busy and chocolate chip cookies and eggs are the closest to dinner as you’re gonna get.

The thing to remember, for both those who’ve suffered from some level of disordered eating and those who have a normal relationship with food, is that food doesn’t have a moral code; a cookie is just a cookie, there’s nothing inherently good or bad about it. So there’s nothing inherently good or bad about eating it over something else. I’m not telling you to never eat an apple or a salad again, I’m saying eat what makes you physically and mentally feel satisfied, especially if it’s a cookie or two.

It All Comes Down to Happiness and Productivity

Sometimes you have conversations that make you really reflect upon your life in a way you hadn’t thought of before. My dad brought something to light that I never really thought to consider; he said: “If you can be in a place where you’re happy and productive, you’ve got it made”.

Happiness and productivity, like most things in life, can look like a lot of things to a lot of people. For example, being outside, reading interesting books, seeing a really cute dog, and making dinner for my friends are all things that make me happy. Half of those things could maybe be considered productive (and I definitely consider leaving the house and cooking something besides oatmeal as being productive).

That being said, I know some people require different levels of intrinsic or extrinsic activity in order to feel like they’re flourishing. Some people thrive on doing the absolute most they can do and find happiness in that success. Conversely, some may need an extra nudge to feel positive about life and only when they’ve found that little bit of light can they do the tasks necessary to succeed or just survive. I’ve been both at one point or another in my life. Especially before choosing to recover, the thought of getting out of bed to face the mirror, the kitchen, the world was too exhausting to even consider getting out of bed. Even on my objectively best days, I still sometimes struggle to find that motivation to be productive or put on a smile when I hit bumps in the road.

The thing is, I definitely find myself feeling both happy and productive in spite of the daily challenges and problems I encounter. When I get into bed at the end of the day, there are times when I think about all the work I still need to get done, all of the things I could’ve done better, but I never really used think about all the great interactions I’ve had that day or the things I knocked off my to-do list.

But that’s what I’d like to change. I want to focus my efforts on recognizing the happiness in my life and turn that into productive thought and action. I recognize there’s nothing harder than trying to get things done when you’re unhappy and feeling poorly, but sometimes it’s times like that that make you appreciate the small acts of productivity and happiness you do have.

Happiness and productivity aren’t always balanced, in fact, there are plenty of times when I’ve been in a wonderful mood, all smiles, and laughs, but have had absolutely no motivation to leave the house and be a model citizen in any capacity.

That’s just life, though.

Lest we forget that there is plenty of room to be “kind of” happy and/or “kind of” productive. On my path towards self-compassion and empathy, I have begun appreciating the grey area that comes with existing in the world we do. I’m proud of my “kind of” optimism and “kind of” productivity because, without either of the two, I would never get anything done on account of not being 100% happy and motivated. It’s all about the grey area, baby!

To put it simply, happiness and productivity are subjective and far from black and white. Do something that brings you joy even if it isn’t necessarily “productive”; do something productive and find joy in the act of getting things done. Most importantly, try to find a city, a job, a hobby, anything you can that gives you the chance to be both. And until you find those places, bask in the grey area and keep your chin up… You’ll get to that happiness and productivity one way or another.

 

On Being Thankful

I hate to be that person, but I’m feeling especially thankful this morning. I promise this has nothing to do with Thanksgiving… Okay, it has like 20% to do with Thanksgiving but we’re going to let that slide for now.

Let’s backtrack.

I woke up this morning feeling exhausted both mentally and physically after finishing a couple projects and assignments, doing a program for work, going to therapy and class, and applying for my dream job the night before. After nearly falling asleep mid-downward dog during my yoga session, however, I was shaken awake by the thought that Thursday is Thanksgiving.

Stuffing. Cranberry sauce. Conversations about foreign policy that no one is really ever knowledgeable enough to have. I lost my zen and started manically searching for chutney recipes. All holiday hell broke loose while I sat in pigeon pose, which only made me sweat more.

Amidst my erratic recipe searching, I took a minute (read: 17 minutes in the fetal position) to check myself and ask why I was so worked up over stewing cranberries. I hadn’t been this upset when my laptop crapped out the weekend before or when I forgot about a whole assignment the day it was due the week before. I stood up and thought that I should be thankful I don’t have as much shit on my plate as I did this time last year, or even a couple weeks ago. And then my brain went full “Thankful Mode”. To make a long story short, this isn’t a Thanksgiving post per se; it’s a post about what I’m grateful for that just happens to be published the day before Thanksgiving.

Alright. I’m glad we got that out of the way. Now… let’s get thankful!

I’m thankful for my dogs, without whom I would be incomplete. They’re my ride or dies. Sorry, everyone else I know.

I’m thankful for WordPress for giving me a place to talk out my feelings, express how much I love oatmeal, and (hopefully) make a positive difference in someone’s life.

I’m thankful for my S.O and all of the people I have met here in Portland. Each one has shaped my life for the better and I can’t imagine ending up anywhere else. Every girls night, Punch Bowl Social excursion, late-night burrito run, and day hiding from the rain have made me that much more confident that I chose the right place.

 

I’m thankful for the friends I haven’t seen in a year or more; despite not having your physical presence around as much as I wish I could, I never stop thinking about the good ol’ days filled with Phantom of the Opera karaoke sessions, guacamole making, and memories best left unmentioned for professional reasons.

I’m thankful for my parents, without whom I would not exist. More importantly, I’m thankful for their tough love, unintentional character building, and obscure pop culture influences. I’m also thankful for my step-parents, who have taught me more about patience, kindness, and love than I ever expected when they first came into my life.

I’m thankful for choosing to recover despite all the stress and change I’ve been going through over the last year. I’m thankful for all the challenges I thought I couldn’t handle and all the uphill battles I’m still fighting. I’m thankful for everyone listed above for being there for me, intentionally or not, when I was at my lowest.

Not to sound too cheesy (it’s the holiday hysteria, I promise), but I’m thankful that I’m here to tell my story and I’m thankful that people are actually reading it.

I could go on, but I won’t. Be thankful that I have to pack for this weekend, therefore, I don’t have time to drag this post on for too much longer. That being said, have a delicious weekend full of cornbread or green bean casserole or Chinese food. See ya later, thankful gators.

I’ve Got 99 Problems and My To-Do List Is All Of Them

Happy Almost Thanksgiving! For many of us (including myself), I’ve been stressing and worrying between meals and watching bad kids movies. I literally cannot remember the last night where I wasn’t kept up worrying about the 16 assignments I have between me and sweet, sweet Winter Break.

The Impending Doom, as finals week shall now be referred to, has tested my mental and physical limitations like nothing else. I find myself only wanting to sleep and hot showers and that’s about it. But, obviously, I realize that this is the time when I need to take care of myself the most. Suddenly, every self care article and tip is rushing back to me. I realize I am the epitome of a Self Care Stereotype. I also realize that I shouldn’t be rushing myself to get to a place where I’m 100% mentally stable and clear because like… Is anyone mentally stable during Finals Week?

This has been my BIG MOOD for the last 72 hours because A) I forgot about half the things I have due within the next week and B) because I have yet to even think about studying for finals between doing final projects and managing my stress levels in a healthy way.

These last few weeks have made me realize that I may need to lower these wild expectations I have for myself in regards to feeling like I fully have my shit together. I find myself wondering why I can’t be 100% on top of things despite having a full plate of things to do every day on top of pursuing other interests and activities to help balance the stress of the aforementioned full plate. I know I can’t physically do everything on my to-do list within a 24 hour period, that’s something not even a caffeine drip or any illicit substance could help.

So why do I still feel guilty when I wake up to more things on my plate than yesterday? Probably because I’ve been raised in a society that rewards pulling all nighters and stressing to the point of mental breakdown, as if sleep and taking care of yourself is something only slackers partake in.

There this huge competition over who sleeps the least to get the most work done the fastest when it shouldn’t be that… scary to succeed or at the very least, live. It’s hard to imagine that if we focused a little bit more on feeling healthier and saner  that the work we do and the way we live would be of better quality. But that’s just my humble opinion.

The reality is sometimes you’re not going to want to get out of bed despite a full schedule and a guilty conscience. On days like that, don’t be mad at yourself for not feeling like wanting to take on the day at your usual intensity. Compartmentalize, talk to someone who won’t sugar coat things for you, take a really cold shower, do what you have to do to get at least the bare minimum done and pat yourself on the back. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to get 10 hours of sleep as long as it doesn’t inhibit too much on the things you actually have to get done. This is an already stressful part of the year, don’t push yourself anymore than necessary unless it means pushing yourself to have that second slice of pie.

So with the holidays, Finals, deadlines, angry bosses, whatever else is stressing you out, cut yourself some slack and treat yourself as best you can.

I Don’t Want A Perfect Body

There’s nothing harder than rejecting an idea you’ve held for a vast majority of your life. You don’t magically wake up one day not depressed or not fearful of mirrors or not loving crunchy peanut butter. I didn’t wake up and feel cured or recovered as if the uncured and unrecovered part of me just up and hit the road to ruin the next person’s self image. As much as I wish it were that easy, I don’t think it works like that.

The problem with the society we live in today is that no matter how much you want to reject diet culture and end fatphobia and protect yourself from the constant reiteration of a the path to a perfect body, you can’t really shake off the images and diets and workout regimens seen on magazine covers or on billboards until you learn to accept that what you have is what you got. That being said, getting to that point is just a stepping stone towards body acceptance.

Let me see this up in a more linear way: most of the time the expectations we set for ourselves are based off of the expectations set by everyone else around us. Those expectations are set by fashion houses, “health and wellness” magazines, Instagram, TV, film, you name it. And the people who create the expectations? They’re strategically planning them around what the majority of society deems “perfect” which includes whatever arbitrary features are in fashion at the moment. This isn’t to say some people aren’t really affected by what they see in the media or what’s expected societally. In fact, plenty of people who have positive body image rarely worry about outside factors such as social media and magazine spreads.

The problem is there are many people who don’t feel that way.

I think Evelyn Tribole, co-creator of the theory of Intuitive Eating, put it well when she wrote “[a]ccept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect realistically to squeeze into a size six, it is equally futile (and uncomfortable) to have a similar expectation about body size. Respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are.”

Why do we want to change ourselves so bad? So we can fit societal expectations of beauty? So people think better of us for having slimmer thighs or bigger biceps? So we can fit into a size X dress despite no one knowing (or caring) about the hypothetical number given to a garment? Trust me, I’ve thought all of these things and more and still occasionally find myself thinking irrational things like “OH GOD! I don’t have a thigh gap so people are going to think I’m not worth love or appreciation!”.

Want to hear a success story? The other day, I looked at myself and thought “Huh… Not too bad.” which, as sad as that sounds, was the first time I woke up not scared to see what was looking back at me. Maybe it’s because I was half asleep, but I couldn’t help but feel surprised that I found myself appreciating my body for what it is, stretch marks, bruises, zits and all.

It took a lot for me to get to a place where I accepted that this is the only body I have. I started equating wanting to change the size of my ass or the length of my legs to wanting to change the size of my toes or elbows. It sounds super asinine when you say to yourself “Damn, I wish I had her elbows…”, right? But really, that’s what we do. We want bigger this or slimmer that when really, if your body is meant to look a certain way naturally, it’s no use wasting your life away trying to change your genes.

So, long story short, I’ve come to the conclusion that I couldn’t care less about having the “perfect” body. I’m all about fitting into the body I’ve already got because honestly… It’s a pretty damn good body.

Weekend Things

 

HAPPY MONDAY!

Or maybe not for some of us.

At the very least I hope your weekend wasn’t too shitty wherever you were.

I definitely had a weekend starting from the second I woke up Friday morning to the second I fell asleep last night.

It started with an early morning breakfast with the ‘Rentals at the Hazel Room… Drinks were had, biscuits were consumed, conversations were eavesdropped upon, nothing unusual here! Definitely recommend the Hazel Room if you can handle a bit of a wait/don’t mind close quarters once you sit down. 10/10 would suggest the breakfast biscuit with goat cheese and bacon… Enough said.

If you want a drink that’s as pretty as it is deadly (like absinthe deadly), don’t hesitate to get the Corpse Reviver. The name really says it all.

 

Moving on to where the real fun began, we made our way down to the Willamette Valley AVA/Salem Hills AVA to make our rounds to all the great (and not so great) wineries in the area. Most of the stops included me eating an abundance of cheese or petting an adorable cat/dog/goat/horse. So a pretty good weekend I dare say.

Friday was filled to the brim with delicious food, awesome people (and cats… and dogs), and plenty of “merriness” to go around. We hit up Redhawk and Cristom Wineries outside Salem first; side note, I definitely prefer Cristom, but Redhawk had a jaw dropping view of the valley I wish I could wake up to every morning.

 

We headed back to Willamette Valley Vineyards where we were staying shortly after that and took a super interesting tour of the facilities, ate an obscene amount of cheese and crackers, and finished up the evening with the below salad featuring goat cheese, pumpkin seeds, and enough dried cranberries to keep me from getting a UTI for the rest of eternity… Not that that’s a bad thing but I could’ve done with about a dozen less cranberries. We rounded off the night watching Sausage Party which I (thankfully) slept through. I can only handle so much after a day in wine country.

Saturday we all woke up bright and early and decided to make our way into Salem for breakfast before heading back to the wineries. We originally planned to hit up Word of Mouth Cafe but after hearing there was an hour and half wait we decided to go down the road and visit Off Center Cafe, a country diner that ROCKED MY WORLD. Despite not getting any good pictures of my sausage and spinach scramble/biscuit/potato situation, I did get a sexy shot of Quinton’s eggs benedict that was gone before I could even steal a bite. Instead I got a shot of him with his aptly chosen Las Vegas Kitten mug. It took me every ounce of will power to not steal this mug, but I refrained this time.

I kid you not, this place looked like a damn good replica of my aunt’s house in Kentucky which really made the meal that much tastier knowing there was probably a woman in the back cooking everything in butter and sausage grease. Nothing screams heartburn than sausage gravy and biscuits. You know what else it screams? Pure. F**king. Happiness.

After breakfast, we bopped to and fro between wineries and vineyards including St. Innocent and Zenith, Bethel Hills and a couple that aren’t worth naming. Between tastings, Quinton and I (illegally, probably) visited with these gorgeous horses that brought back every horse girl instinct I’ve ever had.

We wandered around so many properties, took some pictures (check the ol’ Instagram for those) and inevitably passed out around 10PM Saturday night while watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with my parents, grilled cheese in one hand, Advil in the other (hence no pictures). Saturday left me feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired so it felt great to get a full night’s sleep and some quality time with my parents/Quinton while I was still awake. It made me really deeply appreciate the privilege I have to go on trips like this and experience new adventures when I can. I definitely didn’t take it for granted and made a point to try and learn a little somethin’ somethin’ everywhere we went.

Despite knowing I had a deep interest in viticulture and wine before this trip, my love for wine and the people and the industry it thrives in, especially here in Oregon, made me feel even more appreciative of the opportunities I was granted all weekend. It also made me realize how much of a chance I have to be able to work at a place like Willamette Valley or Cristom, surrounded by people just as excited about sedimentary soil and trellises as I’m becoming. Long story short, I can totally see myself down the line working in Salem/Amity/Carlton talking about wine all day long… Stay tuned for that in 5-6 years.

Sunday was an easy day filled with delicious food at The Blue Goat in the little town of Amity a few miles outside of McMinnville. Pizza, salad, a cool interior, what more could you want?

After a somewhat exhausting afternoon filled mostly with driving and me feeling nauseous from looking at all the empty fields and vineyards, we ended up back at home where Quinton and I suggested our #1 spot, Pine Street Market, and DIVED DEEP! on some spicy pork ramen.

Nothing could’ve made this weekend any better (except maybe more dogs and horses and less nausea). Now back to finishing term projects, preparing for finals, and doing a whole lot more blogging. See ya on the flip side, kiddos and happy Monday!

My Life*

Let’s get something straight: being me isn’t always fun. SURPRISE! I’M HUMAN! I GET ACNE AND CRY OVER FINANCE HOMEWORK AND DEFINITELY DON’T KNOW WHAT THE F**K I AM DOING MOST TIMES!

But you probably already knew that.

Something I really struggle with in this Age of Social Media is balancing being honest and being aesthetically pleasing. I’d love to be completely oblivious to maintaining a good theme or being funnier or sounding smarter than the next blogger or Instagrammer or whatever it may be… But I’m not. And I greatly envy those who have the ability to do so.

The problem with being on social media is that it’s easy to get sucked into the trap of envying how another person’s life looks; they went on a wild trip to Spain? God, I wish I could do that. They own 16 pairs of limited edition Adidas sneakers? God, I wish I could own that. They drink and eat and hang out in the coolest spots in town that I’ve never even heard of? God, I wish I was cool.

It sounds ridiculous written out, doesn’t it?

That’s my point, though. Social media in many ways can be a platform for inspiration, a place to look at amazing art and photography, a place where you can expose yourself to perspectives and lives and places you couldn’t easily do given geographical or financial limitations. But it’s also dangerous for those of us who have a tendency to fall down the rabbit hole of comparison. I personally had to unfollow a lot of accounts that made me feel insecure about my looks, my body, my eating and exercise habits, my financial situation, etc. just to keep myself from ending up slumped over in bed, wishing I could look like this celebrity or that model.

As I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself, I feel like I can let myself scroll through these pages and see all of the posts with a grain of salt. But it makes me wonder if people look at me that way. I don’t at all assume that’s the case, but if I do it with even some of my closest friends and loved ones on occasion, who’s to say they don’t either? And what does that mean when I think about what I’m going to post? God forbid someone see I have a zit on my forehead or look a bit bloated. On days like that, I’d generally refrain from posting all together to save myself the guilt of posting a picture from a different day when I was looking subjectively better than I looked that day (for more on that read THIS post).

My Instagram below doesn’t reflect the fact that I felt disgusting in the first picture but jut happened to look half decent in the shot. It doesn’t reflect that the second picture was taken when I was stressed to the max about work stuff I had due the following day. The third picture doesn’t reflect that I was freezing and annoyed and feeling off the whole day. You get the point. What I post (taking Instagram stories out of the equation) isn’t necessarily a real-time sneak peek into some glorious, aesthetically pleasing life I (don’t) live.

All of this to say, what I post isn’t always a true reflection of when and where and why I post it. I mean, half the time the pictures I post aren’t even posted within the same day. It makes me feel a bit fraudulent, honestly, like I’m not showing people a real peak into my life.

I guess that’s kind of the game we all play with social media, though. I try to be honest in my life (this blog included) and I’ve made the promise to myself to start being a bit more honest with myself as well as to how I want to be perceived on here, on Instagram, etc. But I also encourage everyone to take a second to wonder why we care so much about our social media presence and the things we see from the people we follow; it’s not a real reflection, it’s Life* where the asterisk has so many endless lenses and smoke and mirrors.

I am not in the slightest bagging on social media (I mean, how the hell else would I sit through a 30 minute commute without shamelessly watching dog videos or reading recipe posts), I’m just saying… Where does the line get drawn with how much we let it affect us?

Talk about it below, talk about it with the people around you and hear what they have to say, hell, talk about it on social media. What motivates you to post what you do? Expectation or inspiration, or maybe something totally different.