When Too Much Becomes Too Much

Do you ever have those days (or weeks in my case) where there is just too much going on, too many people talking at you, too many assignments or tasks to be done and not enough hours in the day to do them? Welcome to college, and life in general.

I was aware that this term was going to kick my ass and boy, was I right. With some stressful changes to my work team to 3 group projects to trying to keep my mental and physical health in check, it just became too much. That’s not to say that there weren’t some amazing things that happened this term, however. My relationships with friends and loved ones got closer, I broke through some pretty hard and deep rooted fears of mine in terms of recovery, and I got the position of my dreams working at the business school starting in spring where I’ll get to do social media, write, get this, a blog. The good definitely outweighed the bad, but I still feel like I’m in a slump.

I don’t have the ultimate, one and only fix for this, despite wishing I could for not just my sake but yours. It’s not some self-care switch you can flip on and the depression or anxiety or stress magically disappears. But there are definitely things I’ve found that work in terms of getting myself out of bed and getting things done, or just finding a way to work through the hard stuff.

Find something that makes you want to get out of bed every morning… It doesn’t have to be a hobby or a lifelong passion (though, those can work too). Honestly, the thought of waking up to a good cup of coffee and my favorite playlist genuinely helps me get things moving in the morning. When I have the right ingredients, I’ll make a kickass bowl of oats with all the toppings I can fit in the bowl. If you know anything about me, you’ll know nothing gets me up faster than melted peanut butter.

Don’t be afraid to throw your hands up and get some help… Therapy, an adviser, a coworker, a friend, a pet, whoever you feel comfortable with discussing your grievances with. You don’t have to do everything by yourself, and often it helps having someone by your side to do most things. If you’re feeling shitty about your current work situation, talk to your coworkers or someone higher up than you and ask how they’ve gotten through similar situations. If you have no idea what you want to do with your life and it feels overwhelming, talk to people who have dealt with the same thing or even better, talk to people who are involved with something you may be interested in and see what their path was like (it probably wasn’t as cut and dry as you think it is). I can guarantee that someone in this world has gone through what you’re going through, be that an assignment, mental health issues, frustrations with partners, and thanks to the internet, it’s not hard to find answers to the many questions we have in life.

Stay present when you can but don’t be scared to disconnect when you need it… I think being present is one of those very subjective, hard to define things. For some people, it’s just actively listening to those around them and being aware of surroundings. For others, it’s staying off their phone and giving themselves the space to create or be productive without distractions. Find a way to focus on the tasks at hand, whatever that may be, and I promise that things will become a bit clearer and easier as time goes on. For example, when I’m in meetings I like to bring my phone for peace of mind, but I turn it over and don’t touch it unless I’m looking up a date or an email chain that’s relevant to the conversation. Maybe it’s just because of the circumstances of my life right now or maybe because I’m slowly drifting away from social media, but I really don’t find myself that excited by scrolling through my many, many feeds all day long. Lately, I’ve been trying to us my spare time for reading or getting small things off my to-do list rather than sitting on Instagram; being productive is how I stay present, but that’s just me.

Enjoy the social side of yourself, even if you don’t think you really have time… Unless you’re strictly an introverted agoraphobe who doesn’t like speaking to others or leaving the house (and there is 100% nothing wrong with that), I suggest making time out of your week to see a friend or going and doing something you enjoy alone. I try and see my girlfriends once or twice a week for lunch or coffee or something resembling socializing; it’s nice to have an hour or two of straight catching up, talking about all the goods and the bads in life, and generally enjoying some sort of food that makes me happy. That being said, I also really enjoy wandering the city by myself with a good podcast or doing work by myself in a public place. Even if you’re alone, it’s nice to be in a public place where there are groups of other people; at the very least, the people watching can be great. For me, being alone and doing work at a coffee shop surrounded by other people doing the same thing helps me feel “social” without really having to talk to anyone but the barista. I get my human interaction but it’s limited enough that I can feel alone and stay productive.

If all else fails, there’s nothing like a good movie and some snacks to help you get through it all… After two days of being bonkers emotional and anxious out of my mind, my evening looks about like this. Sometimes it’s all you can do to bring a smile to your face.

So that’s what I got! Hopefully something struck a chord or inspired you to find some external help. I know life isn’t always going to be cut and dry, sunshine and rainbows, but it helps knowing what you can do for yourself during the down days (or weeks, or months).

Healing (A Guest Post)

In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (#NEDA), today’s post is written by a person very near and dear to me and my recovery. She was the first person to ever reach out and provide a real empathy that I had never experience prior; I cried editing this post and can’t wait for y’all to read it! Thank you for your courage and strength, Rae, I couldn’t be prouder of you and your journey.

I am so honored to be featured on my dearest friend‘s blog- Zoe your ability to be so vulnerable inspires me every single day. Thank you for your unconditional kindness, love and support; you mean more to me than you will ever know.

This month marks 6 years since my second and last suicide attempt. These anniversaries reopen a floodgate of memories- I can still see myself in so much pain – but I cannot feel it anymore. I cannot help but be filled with immense gratitude and love for the fact I WANT to be present on this earth, I WANT to live- not just exist. In a recent therapy session I said ,“I am in recovery”, and as soon as the words escaped my mouth I had this moment of clarity. I had never said this out loud before despite coming in and out treatment for the past 9 years. I realized in that moment that by me not saying I was in recovery, I was hindering my healing and giving power to my monsters.

Over the past three years, I have slowly learned to stop basing my joy in life on my external world, rather focusing on an inwardshift. In the age of social media, our desire to be viewed a certain way creates an inauthentic perception of ourselves and leads to us feeling unfulfilled and ashamed of who we truly are. I have never written anything publicly about my struggles until now- allowing myself to be vulnerable and not care about the opinion of how others might perceive it has helped me eliminate my shame. When I was first admitted to residential treatment, I truly thought and desperately wanted to believe that once I was in a treatment facility, I would be recovered and that would be it– I would be happy for the rest of my life.

Looking back it’s easy to see how wrong I was but we are taught to believe that happiness is a place we can get to and stay- if only we X, Y, Z. Once I learned to pause, and stop identifying myself with my emotional state, I was able to observe my feelings rather than being weighed down by them.

While living vs. existing may seem interchangeable, to me living means being present for my own life, feeling and experiencing all that comes whether that be the positives or the pain. Pain is our biggest teacher, and when we allow ourselves to welcome our suffering in and show it compassion, we are able to let go of it that much easier. One of the hardest realizations I have had is that having peace is a never ending journey, it is an everyday, every minute practice. Trauma slithered it’s way into my core at the age of 8 and seeped into my bloodstream; I saw myself as a disgusting human being, and for a long time every day was a battle between wanting to not exist and to not be entrapped in my disease anymore.  I wanted healing, but I didn’t think I was strong enough to change. At one of my lowest points, I was on the phone with my mom sobbing, “Mom I don’t have anything to escape myself- I have to just sit with feeling shitty, I can’t do this anymore.” Although I was severely depressed and in a residential facility it was the first time I realized I had to just sit with my uncomfortable feelings and I was going to have to go through my pain whether I wanted to or not. After being numb for so long, feeling again is overwhelming; it stings like getting into a hot tub after jumping in the pool; but the stinging doesn’t last forever and eventually you thaw.

I no longer strive to be happy, instead  I want peace within myself to be able to sit with uncomfortable and painful experiences, as well as find gratitude and love for everyday miracles.

This is the National Eating Disorder Recovery Symbol (with added flowers) and a quote from Cinderella. I got this tattoo two weeks ago and I truly feel empowered to be more honest about my own journey of recovery. I was so ashamed for such a long time but I realized that when I am not authentic to myself I end up feeling more alone in my disease. We are taught what having an eating disorder “looks” like, but there is no one eating disorder body- eating disorders do not discriminate against anyone. I believed for a long time that if I didn’t look like a skeletal, that I was fine and didn’t need any help. But eating disorders are so much more than the physical symptoms- and the health risks happen at any weight. I got this tattoo to remind myself to have courage and be kind. I wanted to symbolize all of the beautiful resilient human beings I have met along my journey, and the friends that lost their battles.

Moving to Portland a year and a half ago was terrifying to me– I didn’t think I had “what it takes” to be in the “real world”, and all that that entails; but one of the beauties of this life comes with embracing fear and doing the things anyways… and  I did it. I did not just live, I blossomed.I am looking forward to the future for what feels like the first time in my life.

When we are broken, we see our jagged pieces all around uslike the debris from a huge storm.We wonder how we will ever feel safe in the world and in ourselves again.But slowly you pick up your jagged pieces and the small moments glue us back together. Some pieces will not fit perfectly, but you are stronger and once you are capable of seeing these scars as a testament to where you have been but not where you are going- slowly healing comes.

One of my all-time favorite quotes from Cheryl Strayed is ”Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live though it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends can help you along the way, but the healing—the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud change—is entirely and absolutely up to you.”

Thank you once again to Rae for her courage and passion! I hope her testimony for recovery moves you in some way, I definitely cried quite a bit! Have an excellent rest of your week. I’ll see you next time!

Stop Making Food Guilty

Hey y’all! Happy Galentines Day to all my female identifying peeps out there! If you hadn’t noticed, it’s been a minute. If you follow me on Instagram, you’d have read why I’ve been a bit absent here on the blog but I’ll summarize: school, work, dealing with challenges with people at school and work… I won’t complain but it’s definitely been an interesting term for me so far. I’m just glad to be back on here, blogging my little heart out!

Really, the only things that have kept me sane through the last two months have been my close girlfriends, Q.P, and Trader Joe’s… the last one is sad but true. Grocery shopping and cooking in any capacity help me tune out the world and focus on the smaller tasks at hand like choosing between Ezekiel bread and everything bagels (the choice usually comes down to me buying both). But lately, I’ve noticed that TJ’s has been adopting a less than savory branding approach for some of their in house items.

Now, I’m all for having healthier options in lieu of over-processed foods, but I was genuinely put off by the use of the phrase “Reduced Guilt”. Has chicken salad been caught smuggling drugs across international borders? Or stealing candy from babies? What has chicken salad have to be guilty for?

For the small population of consumers in America who may or may not call themselves Intuitive Eaters, words and phrases like this bring about anger and frustration because unless chicken salad has committed a capital crime, there’s no reason to demonize it. In fact, never in my life have I ever thought chicken salad was a “guilty pleasure” kind of food. Realistically, people do it so many ways that if they had an issue with it being full of calories or fat, they would change it, right? The problem is the obsession of putting foods into categories, of making eating a very black and white experience of good, healthy foods and bad, guilt-inducing foods.

Healthy vs. Not Healthy foods is so subjective to each person that there is no reason to try to categorize everything; when I was in the heat of my eating disorder, I thought everything but frozen berries, romaine lettuce, and canned tuna were guilty pleasures. Cheese and bread and pasta? You couldn’t get me close to a pot of macaroni and cheese. Now? I don’t think twice about it.

But there in lies the issue of calling things “Guilt Free” or “Reduced Guilt”; the reason they brand it this way is to make you think you’re making a “healthier option” than choosing traditional chicken salad, which for the most part isn’t that traditionally terrible for you in a macro sense (not that I’m counting). It’s a marketing ploy. Most people don’t really associate guiltiness with chicken salad (they save that for adultery or purse snatching), so by planting the idea that you have the option to buy “Reduced Guilt” chicken salad, your brain now associates chicken salad with guilt, therefore motivating you to buy the less guilty version as to save yourself from having to stop by confession after you check out.

I wanted to write this post so people are aware of the marketing and branding ploys that brands do in order to rope you in or make you feel a certain way about yourself, good or bad. Frankly, as a marketing major going into consumer goods, it’s hard for me not to be aware of it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love Trader Joe’s more than most things, but I don’t think that means I can’t be critical of the brands I buy from. I could do a whole series about my critiques of brands I love, but maybe that’s for some time down the line. In any case, don’t let the weird food rules and “reduced guilt” items get to you; buy what makes you feel good, what tastes good, what’s cheapest! Just don’t let an inanimate object make you feel like a man on the run from the law.

Have a great Tuesday folks! Have a heart shaped cookie for me (I’ll be having a ton!)

Learning When To Say No

I’m currently writing this post from the discomfort of my bed thanks to a lovely bought of nausea brought on by who knows what. Not exactly the most convenient time to get sick with midterms on the horizon and more group projects than I ever thought were possible to assign, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’d like to blame the delicious burrito bowl I had for dinner last night for my poor health, but honestly… I know it’s probably exhaustion.

I’m not the kind of person who can just relinquish all control and turn my brain off for a weekend. I need to feel productive as best I can, which often means taking on more than I can handle academically, professionally, and personally. Despite not taking as many credits as I probably could be, my work and personal life have been chocked full as of the start of the year; while I love having something to do every day, I think today’s illness is my body saying “slow the hell down, kiddo”.

Much of my overexertion stems from my inability to say no to people as well as myself. I want to go to every class, hit the gym as much as I can, say yes to every social outing I’m invited to, etc. but as most rationally minded people would know, that’s just too much for someone who wants to stay sane for more than two days out of the week. I have to say finding the ability to practice compartmentalization is probably the first step to balancing everything well and thus being able to say yes to more things because I’m not stressed out all the time (the center of my nay-saying).

I think there’s a point in all of our lives when everything, big or small, is just too much to deal with. Call it depression or anxiety or being overwhelmed, but in my experience, most of my stress and mental health struggles stem from me taking on too much and feeling like I’m not living up to my own personal standards. By saying yes to things all the time, I satisfy my need to feel productive, involved, and present. That being said, more often than not I don’t know when to stop saying yes to things and I end up filling up my day to the brim and barely have time to think. So my goal isn’t necessarily to stop saying yes to the things I’m really excited about doing; my goal is to be able to say no without feeling guilty and to say yes when I have time (and also not feel guilty about that).

Sorry if this all comes across as being counterintuitive, it’s been on my mind as of late after battling exhaustion and stress for the last few weeks. And the point of this blog is for me to be honest and talk about the stuff I’m struggling with so maybe it will start a conversation that can benefit you all (and me). So that’s it for this week. I’m going to go make a smoothie and do some laundry and try to make it through the week without crying/dying.

Have an awesome week, y’all! See ya next time.

A Day In The Life: Boring College Edition

Good day! I hope everyone’s week isn’t going to shabbily; it’s been a lot of big highs and big lows since the term started but things are starting to feel a little bit more doable after a couple therapy sessions and solo rom-com nights in bed.

After doing a poll on my Instagram last week, it was confirmed that some people wanted to see how I live my life on a daily basis and I thought… Sure, why the hell not. So here we go! All these pics and happenings were from last Wednesday, a Wednesday like any other filled with time in class, a PB&Jam, and a smoothie recipe that will ROCK YOUR WORLD. Enjoy!

7:30 AM I crawled out of bed in a duvet burrito and stared at my face for a few minutes before finally getting the motivation to find clothes and brush my hair.

7:46 AM After clothing and brushing, I quickly did my normal morning skincare routine. When my eyes are a bit puffy from crying over Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore in Because I Said So  I gently dab The Ordinary’s Caffeine Solution around my eyes, using whatever leftover product I have on my jawline… I don’t think putting the product there does anything I just don’t like to be wasteful and well, a girl can dream. On not so great skin days, I use The Ordinary’s Niacinamide Solution serum pre-moisturizer. On good skin days, I just follow up the Caffeine Solution with Belif’s The True Cream. I add the Murad Sensitive Skin Soothing Serum to keep my skin from looking like a tomato by noon and finish off with The Ordinary’s High Adherence Silicone Primer. I’m not totally sold on the primer so I’ll probably give it to a friend but I am on the hunt for a really killer primer. Please DM me or comment below if you have any recommendations that work with combination skin… I’m begging.

After I did my skincare, I did a quick swipe of mascara, threw some Nars tinted moisturizer on, and was out the door to class!

8:03 AM I made my way over to my first class of the day; surprisingly it wasn’t too gross first thing in the morning so I had a nice little stroll before learning about marketing research procedures for two hours.

10:03AM After walking back from class, I grabbed a KIND bar and a cup of coffee before starting on this post between classes. While working and eating, I began making a plan for what the blog is going to look like at least for this term. I definitely want to post more content but with school and work and every other stressor in my life, I really think a post a week may be the norm until I can figure out a better schedule for myself. This is a fun thing for me, and I don’t want to grow to resent it. So for now, Instagram will be my everyday thing while the blog will be more of a summary of what’s going on in life, what things are interesting me… the big stuff, ya know? ANYWAY! MOVING ON.

11:30AM After writing and doing a bit of organizing of my life, I felt those hunger cues kicking in, and after just a KIND bar and coffee, I definitely knew I needed something more substantial in my stomach. My go-to thing lately (and always) has been smoothies with whatever I happen to have in my fridge at the time. This smoothie also happened to be my number one favorite recipe that I make.

Chocolate Berry Protein Smoothie

Ingredients:

• 1 cup milk (I use almond or cashew)
• 2 heaping tbsp rolled oats (gives your smoothie body and texture)
• 1 scoop chocolate protein powder (I use Orgain)
• 1 tbsp peanut butter (unsalted TJ’s for me)
• 1 tbsp chia seed
• 1/2 frozen banana
• 1/2 cup frozen berries
• Optional: spinach, spirulina, frozen cauliflower or zucchini, cocoa powder

Instructions

1. Add all ingredients in a blender or Magic Bullet, making sure the liquid goes in first so things move around easier.
2. BLEND! EAT! ENJOY

1:10 PM More class! This time it’s Science Inquiry where I also read emails and do work for other classes between lecture and debates about whether higher beings can be scientifically proven to exist… Turns out they can’t! Nonetheless, I love this class and how much people actually care about science and it’s effect on our every day lives. Alright, enough nerding out.

2:15 PM After class got out, I grabbed a bowl from the salad bar in our student union and headed back home to do more homework, clean, and nosh before a meeting at 4:00. The salad featured spring mix, some chickpea stew, butternut squash, chicken, quinoa, and way too much green goddess salad dressing. I can only blame myself for that one.

6:13 PM After my meeting, I scurried home quickly to prepare for a program I was doing on my floor aptly titled PB&Jam. We basically sat around and listened to a bunch of music and ate peanut butter sandwiches and bagels. My perfect evening.

8:30 PM After cleaning up, showering, and finishing up some admin stuff for work, I painted my nails (SELF CARE!) and listened to some Chaka Khan. The perfect end to a boring but very great day.

Thanks for reading, peeps! I hope your Tuesday is going well and you’ve got a lot to look forward to this week. See ya next time for… well, who knows what! Peace out, cub scouts.

A Guide To Staying Motivated

The irony of this post is not beyond me, I promise. After a very stressful first week of classes, work, etc. I kind of put all of the things that keep me from ripping my own head off on the backburner, including going to the gym, writing for Little Latke, and being present with my family and friends.

I felt like I had no time to do anything besides sit on my laptop and take online quizzes about diversity in the workplace. While the topics I focused on were super interesting and genuinely got me excited for the classes I’m taking, I couldn’t shake off the lack of motivation I had to do pretty much anything but school work. While talking about the overwhelmingness of the last 10ish days with a friend, I realized that it wasn’t the workload itself that was stressing me out, it was my lack of time management and inability to feel satisfied at the end of the day that was holding me down. My motivation hit an all-time low this weekend when I tried to make up for the week’s lack of socializing by hanging out with people all day every day, thus leaving me with about 3 days of work and class assignments staring at me on my to-do list with an indignation and passion I’ve only seen on the face of a woman scorned.

Long story short, I’m not here to talk about how tired and worn I am, because honestly, it doesn’t make for good writing nor is it beneficial to anyone reading. As a way to find some motivation myself, I scoured the internet (and my brain) for some realistic motivation tips.

Though it’s important to understand the distinction between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, the main focus of this post is on the little things you can do to externally motivate yourself (AKA extrinsic motivation). But for the sake of making this post slightly more educational, here’s the difference. Intrinsic motivation is the inner drive to get yourself off the couch for whatever reason, mostly because you enjoy the thing you’re doing or know it’s necessary to your survival or success in life. These things include what some people call “self-care”: getting out of bed before noon so you can get to class on time and without extreme doses of caffeine, eating something besides Sour Patch Kids because you can feel your insides rotting, getting outside and doing gentle movement so you can get some Vitamin D (unless you’re in the Pacific Northwest, then you may just go outside because you forgot what fresh air feels like), making sure you’re fed so you don’t turn into a raging hangry monster, hitting the gym, etc.. More importantly, intrinsic motivation is the inner voice that keeps you from procrastinating and encourages you do to the right thing, not for a reward or in case of punishment, but simply because it benefits you or another person.

Extrinsic motivation “occurs when we are motivated to perform a behavior or engage in an activity to earn a reward or avoid punishment” (Cherry 2017)¹. This includes actually focusing in class so you don’t fail or making sure your space is clean so your roommate or S.O doesn’t get angry and ask you to move to a Motel6. While intrinsic motivation is what most people are looking for when they get down in the dumps or lose the will to keep on keeping on, creating extrinsic motivators for yourself is a great first step to reclaiming that intrinsic motivation. But enough procrastinating babbling here’s a list of things you can extrinsically do to better your intrinsic motivation again.

• Set external reminders. This can mean alerts on your phone to do a certain assignment or task, a physical to do list written on your hand (in permanent marker so you really can’t forget), or if you really want to elevate your reminder status, make your phone wallpaper your to-do list. Nothing will motivate you more than not having to see a bland iNote on your screen everytime you want to look at Vine compilations instead.
• Ask someone to remind you to do X, Y, and Z. I actually do this fairly often, not as a way to put my to-do list upon someone else, but by saying all the things I need to accomplish that day or week out loud, I’m more likely to remember down the line. For all you auditory learners, this is a great tool and definitely doesn’t have to stop with your to-do list. By saying “I need to get out of bed today before noon” into the ether, by saying the things you’d like to remember out loud, or even mouthing it if you’re on public transit and don’t want to freak people out, promotes retention by building its “distinctiveness”, therefore differentiating the other thoughts you have in your brain² (Macleod, et al, 2010).
• Set external rewards. Have a big paper due tomorrow at noon? Plan for a coffee date with a friend after you turn it in. Find what gets you excited and use that as a prize for doing your least favorite things. I hate cleaning out the fridge, but I know that once I get rid of the moldy cheese and dried up carrots, I can hit Trader Joes up and grab some better produce or a couple different new things.
• The Pomodoro Technique. If you struggle to pay attention for long periods of time and therefore lose motivation, definitely look into Francesco Cirillo’s theory on the Pomodoro Technique. It’s been such a saving grace for me, the most easily distracted person I know, in regards to long nights of studying and focusing in class. It’s also taught me how to better manage my time which is a huge factor for my staying on track and staying motivated.
• Find inspiration. Follow accounts on social media such as @theblissfulmind or @init4thelongrunblog for inspiration and tips on being real with yourself regarding wellness, finding joy in life, finding comfort in the chaos, etc. Or look to friends and ask what they do to keep up in life. You’d be surprised how smart the people around you are.
• Don’t do it alone. Sometimes in times of high stress and little motive, we isolate ourselves thinking that being alone will make us more likely to get shit done. For some that may be the case, but by allowing yourself to be open about your struggles whether with family, friends, a therapist or counselor, or even social media, you’re more likely to find the solution by writing or talking it out. You don’t have to go through your hardest moments by yourself; in fact, it makes it a lot harder to ask for help if you’ve isolated yourself away from the very people who have the ability to do so. There’s nothing wrong with not having the right answer. You’re already way ahead if you can find the initiative to throw your hands up and say “I have no idea what to do.”.

So that’s what I’ve got! Comment below something that motivates you, or visit my Instagram and do the same!

Happy Humpday, my little baby carrots! See ya in the next post.

Citations:

¹ Extrinsic vs. Intrinsic Motivation: What’s the Difference?

² The production effect: Delineation of a phenomenon.

 

A New Kind of Resolution

I really can’t relate to New Years Resolutions…

Maybe it’s my inability to maintain consistency in my personal life or maybe it’s my hesitance to jump on any bandwagon presented to me, but I’ve never been one to sit down and write 3-5 things in my life that I want to change come the following year. Don’t get me wrong, I love setting goals and having ambitions for myself but like most things that come but once a year, New Years Resolutions seem kind of arbitrary and ingenuine.

Can I only set life-changing goals once a year?

What if I don’t satisfy my resolutions?

How will I feel come 2019 when I realize I never learned how to make the perfect quiche or start flossing three times a day?

I made the decision that, because of my difficulty with keeping up with things like resolutions, I would focus on some short-term intentions that (thanks to being on the quarter system at my university) I could evaluate and re-evaluate every 3 months come the end of the term.

I’m very far-sighted when it comes to my ambitions on a larger scale to a fault almost; I think about where I’m going to be in 5 years more than I think about what’s on the agenda for the next week. As much as I think I’m a realist, there’s a huge part of me that falls more on the dreamer side of the scale. This is also a huge reason why I’ve been trying to work on short-term goals because I think it’ll help me stay focused on what’s directly in front of me rather than what’s down the line. A goal within a goal.

So long story short, instead of listing all the things I want to focus on for the next year, I’m gonna summarize the stuff I’m focusing on until April. My hope is I can come back to this post and talk about what kind of progress I made, if any, and if this little experimental 3-month resolution thing worked.

1. Be more social… For most of the latter half of 2017, I was so overwhelmed with work and school that I let my social life dwindle into nothing. I want to try to see the people I love more often and be a bit less hermit-like. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a bad extrovert, so I definitely want to be more active socially in whatever way I find works best for me.
2. Compartmentalize better… In relation to the overwhelming nature of existing, I want to be better at focusing on work, school, and my social life independently from one another so that stress from one aspect of my life doesn’t totally inhibit upon the other two. My academics and social life definitely weren’t as much of a priority last term because of my taking on a new job, and I want to better balance all three things by turning off the work stress, school stress, etc. as much as I can when I’m not actively concentrating on those stressors.
3. Be more open to unexpected circumstances… I’m very Type A and when I have control over my life, I feel like I’m at my happiest and most productive. For the next few months, I want to say yes to things I normally wouldn’t and let others do the planning. Whenever I’ve done this before, I generally ended up enjoying myself that much more because I didn’t have to worry about an itinerary or concocting some elaborate course of action.

So here’s to the next few months! I can’t wait to get the ball rolling and see what 2018 has to throw my way… Hopefully some good eats and good adventures and good dogs. That’s the dream.

Do you prefer short-term or long-term goals? What are some ambitions and goals for your 2018 (or for the next 3 months)?

Have a Happy Thursday, folks!

2017: The Year of Things Falling Into Place

I hate to be the person who writes this kind of post, but honestly, 2017 has been an absolute whirlwind in so many ways. Personally, professionally, academically, and everything in between. There have been huge highs and lows… but I’m still kickin’!

At the start of 2017, I was still trying to find my place in regards to the friends I had, the classes I was taking, what I wanted to do with my life outside of university. I felt incredibly alone despite being constantly interacting with the people and things I love and still love. I was bombarded with too many choices and opportunities and fell into the habit of not knowing how to say no. I ended up feeling constantly overwhelmed and it led to me feeling a bit apathetic towards the world and myself despite all the good things I had going for me at that time.

I realized that I couldn’t be a yes-man (or yes-woman, I suppose) all the time. I needed to take a step back and reevaluate the things that actually mattered in my life; amongst many things, that meant saying no to an event and being with my friends instead or walking around the city and getting a coffee alone in order to get some quality me time in. Breaking out the non-traditional self-care time was critical and ultimately what got me through a lot of the difficult times, breakdowns, teary essay writing, etc. that plagued me most of winter and spring terms.

But so it goes, I started getting my shit together in the academic and professional realm and forgot to focus on my personal well being. The latter end of spring term was filled with so many amazing things (i.e getting together with QP, meeting and reconnecting with the people I now consider family, not failing Accounting 213), but I really felt like I wasn’t meeting my absurdly high expectations in regards to my appearance and how I was presenting myself in the world. This led to, you guessed it, my first major eating disorder relapse since high school! I can laugh about it now, but I was absolutely in the darkest place I’ve been in since I can remember.

It was a huge struggle because as much as I wanted to be present and be myself with my family and friends, I was held down by the dysmorphia and terrible thoughts and behaviors that I won’t go into detail over. All I have to say about that Dark Time™ was that by the sheer grace of Quinton, I realized how sick I was. I don’t talk about my relationship too much here out of respect for QP, but I don’t think I’d be here writing this blog without his influence and honesty and no-bullshit attitude towards me and my eating disorder. He pulled me out faster than any therapist or self-help book could have with help also from some incredibly wonderful friends that I won’t name but definitely know who they are.

After I started to work my way out of relapse, I started finding those things I loved again. Isolating myself in my room turned into regular girls nights and dates; forcing myself to go to the gym or walk X amount of steps a day turned into lazy days on the couch and walking around the city for no reason besides getting from Point A to Point B. I realized I deserved a richer life and the only thing in my way was me (and those ugly, terrible, overly lofty expectations).

This fall has been a total mirror of what spring and summer was; I feel so much more motivated to get out of my comfort zone and let other people take the wheel a bit. I’m making strides towards a potentially amazing career through my classes and work with the business school and beyond. I appreciate the good days and let the bad days roll off my back. I’ve learned how to “strive to progress and stray from perfection”  as the lovely Alexis of Hummusapien said in a similar 2017 wrap up post. I have a long way to go and I know and plan on there being bumps in the road, but I’ve also learned that I need to trust the process and relinquish control a bit.

I hope that no matter how your year was, you’re still looking to grow, be present, and learn something new as much as you can. It’s a rough world out there, but never doubt that things aren’t going to eventually get better; new people, opportunities, places, movies, books, blogs, or hobbies can be the sole thing that helps you find your way in the world a little easier. I have a lot of things I want to work on and change in myself and the world around me, but that’s what the new year is for! Things have been falling into place left and right and I’m just happy I’m physically here to see and make it happen.

I hope you have a kick-ass New Years Eve at home, at a bar, at Disneyland, or wherever you may be. Thank you for sticking with me and letting me have a place to talk about the craziness of my life. And for those who never read my blog and are completely lost in regards to me, what I’m talking about, and what I write about… here’s a little something-something to get you started… A Little Latke starter pack if you will. See you in 2018!

Trends & FOMO

If you’re anything like me, you read all the blogs, watch all the videos, follow all the people, and it’s like every time I go on Instagram or CNN or Man Repeller (nothing against Man Repeller, I’m just overwhelmed sometimes with the culottes and $725 slip dresses), there’s some new trend I’ve never heard of. Don’t get me wrong, I get that literally everything in our lives was once a trend, but sometimes I still get overwhelmed with the thought of putting butter in my coffee and eliminating everything in your diet but non-starchy vegetables and fish. I actually love some of the trends I’ll talk about in a second, but it’s really the fear of missing out that got me on the wagon, not, for the most part, the actual trend itself.

Let’s start with something I actually love now, despite being a bit weirded out by the idea at first: overnight oatmeal made with yogurt. As someone who was scared of eating yogurt for nearly 5 years, it was hard for me to fathom the idea of putting Enemy Number 1 in my favorite meal ever. Thanks to recipes from Fit Foodie Finds and The Real Life RD, I’ve become an overnight oat QUEEN! I make a pretty easy version after quite a bit of experimentation on my own that goes a little something like this:

Chocolate Berry Overnight Oats

Serves 1 Really Hungry Human

1/2 cup Rolled Oats (or whatever oats you have on hand)

3/4 cup Almond Milk

1 container Greek Yogurt (or about 1/4 cup)

1 scoop Chocolate Protein Powder

1 tbsp Chia Seeds

1 tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice

1 cup Frozen Berries

Directions: In a microwave-safe bowl/mug/mason jar, mix all ingredients but the berries and throw in the fridge before you go to sleep. In the morning, take your container of choice out of the fridge and microwave for 1-1.5 minutes. Take your oats out of the microwave and mix in the frozen berries thoroughly. Then pop the oats back in the microwave for another minute or so and serve with all the nut butter, granola, fresh fruit, etc.

Something else I don’t totally understand but love nonetheless? People throwing in literally everything but the kitchen sink into their smoothies. I won’t disclose what I generally toss in my blender because it’s a little… extra. But I promise you, there’s always a smattering of berries, celery (can’t taste it but it makes for a damn frothy smoothie), mango, apple, spinach, peanut butter, pineapple, black pepper, turmeric, cinnamon, oh my god I need to stop. It’s a mess but it’s delicious, I would make for a perfect Chopped contestant because, on average, no matter how shitty my ingredients are, things generally turn out edible. Someone put Alex Guarnashelli on the phone, we need to talk.

Moving on to the stuff I don’t get, Bulletproof/Brain Octane/putting any weird substance in coffee to help your brain magically hit 140 IQ points or whatever it promises. I love the idea of putting butter or coconut oil or lard or what have you in coffee to make it richer and frothier and more delectable, but promising that your brain will expand and your waist will shrink seems like a big promise to keep. Also, why are we trying to make coffee of all things a tool to help slim down?!?! Maybe it’s because I’m such a minimalist with my coffee, but I don’t want people compromising the only thing that gets me out of the house every morning with messages about getting thin and becoming a cognitively advanced super humanoid. I’m sure it’s delicious (at $24 for 16 oz. I sure hope it is), but I can’t get over the diet culture-ness of it all.

I couldn’t write a post about trends I don’t get (and don’t want to get) without mentioning the wacky ass jeans that graced clothing racks all year. Some honorable mentions include thong jeans, double jeans, and jeans that would probably lead to an infection of somesort if one sat down on any form of public transit. They really tried it.

That last image is probably a good place to wrap up for today, but I’ll see you back before the week is over for a spicy and sweet recipe that made me the woman I am today. Have a great Thursday, peeps!

Genes Over Jeans

It’s that time of the year where all I’m craving (and therefore generally eating) is pasta and peanut butter toast and lots and lots of wine and coffee. A solid diet, no? I’ll be real, I get tired of pasta and bread and sweets pretty quickly; I love me a good salad and a smoothie, in fact, more often than not, it’s what I end up eating between the pasta and bread and sweets.

Being home in California also means I’m not walking 3-5 miles a day like I do in Portland; I’m walking around the vineyard, taking my dogs on walks with my mother, meandering around stores and shops I don’t get to visit when I’m up in the PNW. I love movin’ my body but… it’s the holidays. I’m much more eager to stay in and watch Julie and Julia over a bowl of bolognese than going for a run and drinking a detox smoothie for dinner.

Of course, when one eats richer foods and moves a little less than usual, there’s bound to be some weight fluctuation. It happens, it’s natural… And yet, I can guarantee I’ll see 10 times as many gym patrons when I get home in a couple weeks. I’m not shaming them in the slightest; do what you gotta do to feel healthy and energized! But instead of feeling guilty for wanting a big bowl of linguine alfredo and a glass of wine with family, accept that pasta is just pasta and wine is just fermented grapes juice.

My point? Don’t punish yourself at the gym or skip your next meal to fit in your jeans come the New Year. If you’re forcing your body to look a certain way or fit into a certain pair of pants, you should throw out the pants, not your appreciation for your body. Your thighs, your bum, your arms, your belly are all the way they are because that’s how you’re genetically made up. By fighting your natural size with extrinsic defenses like extreme dieting (including but not limited to eating disorder behaviors), over-exercising, or trendy medical treatments, you’re not letting your body do what it needs to do to keep you healthy. I’m not a licensed professional, but it’s my understanding that unless your health is threatened by the size you are at, there’s no need to abuse it with wacky diets and workout plans just so you can fit into a certain skirt you’ve had since 10th grade. I do want to recognize that not everyone has the luxury to afford new clothes every time their weight fluctuates; I’m more discussing this idea that we feel the need to hang on to things that no longer fit us, waiting for the day we do.

I’ve fallen victim to this way of thinking many a time. These jeans fit me two years ago, why don’t they fit me now? My favorite dress is tight in the waist now, where did I go wrong? This mentality is so toxic and is based on a pure fallacy that, since your favorite XYZ fit you perfectly 10 years ago, you must have done something wrong to have it not fit now. Sounds silly, right? You would never assume the shoes you wore in kindergarten would still fit today. Why? Because you’ve grown and changed since 2001. Hell, my shoe size has changed in the last 2 years, and the only thing I’m upset over is the fact that I need bigger socks.

We are genetically made to look a certain way, to have certain hip widths and leg lengths and wingspans. Why try to alter something that’s literally against your very body’s needs? Cosmetic and style choices aside, it’s incredibly difficult (and/or expensive) to permanently change your body. I think the easiest way to challenge this concept of Genes vs. Jeans is to try things on and if you don’t feel good or at least somewhat happy with how the clothes fit… toss them. They’re not doing you any service by sitting in your closet either; donate these clothes to a women’s shelter or do a clothes swap with friends. Just don’t hang on to them with the hope that one day you may somehow fit into them once again.

So if you’re worried that the slice of cake you had after dinner last night is the reason your jeans don’t fit, don’t stop eating cake. Treat yourself to a stretchier pair of cuter pants. In fact, here a few cute pairs to get you started:

Topshop Jamie Jean

Weekday High Waist Slim Leg Jean

ASOS Farleigh High Waist Slim Mom Jean

BDG Girlfriend High Rise Jean

Have a great Monday, y’all! See ya back later this week for a smoothie recipe (!!!) and a post inspired by one of my favorite Registered Dietitians/Bloggers!